Breaking up is more than hard to do… it feels totally unnatural, counter-intuitive, and down-right unfair to stop talking to someone you’re used to talking to daily.
Of course, if the breakup was fueled by something lousy that your partner did — or something hurtful that you did — anger and guilt can transform the mourning process. More often than not, however, people break up when they still have feelings for their partner.
While you’re blowing your nose, here are a few tips to consider:
1. Write down a list of your five ‘must-haves’ and five ‘can’t-stands’ for your future partner. It can be as silly as wanting to date someone who loves to dance or as serious as wanting to be with somebody of the same faith. If it is important to you, include it in your list.
2. Make new relationship resolutions.
Try to identify how certain fears influenced your last relationship, and decide whether you’re prepared to take steps to face those fears. For instance, if you feared losing your independence in your last relationship, how will you cope in your next one so that you don’t feel you have lost yourself while in a partnership?
3. Ask yourself, “Why did you stay as long as you did?” Were there moments when you knew it wasn’t working? How did you deal with it? What would you do differently if you did it again?
4. Allow yourself to grieve in a way that’s comfortable to you. For some, playing sad love songs and spending many nights inside with Ben and Jerry feels best. For others, jumping into the dating game in a casual way and having fun is a good way to cope.
My friend Dan always says that breakups happen twice — once in your heart, and once out loud. By the time the breakup is done, no doubt that there were sleepless nights or resolutions made to change the situation. Once you get to the point where a relationship just isn’t working, or if the other person has terminated something you thought had more potential, don’t beat yourself up. It’s easier to say with distance and time — but usually these things are a blessing in disguise. When we start to date again, we often realize how wonderful it feels to be appreciated for some of the quirks that annoyed or upset our ex, or how amazing it is to be fulfilled and fully present with someone else.
The blissful early days of a relationship are a wondrous time of discovery and pent-up sexual energy that can leave you deliriously happy and flat broke. It doesn’t always have to be $200 meals, since staying in with a movie is one of the cheapest dates around. The success of that date, and how far you get with her afterward, depends largely on your choice of movie. Sorority House Massacre isn’t going to cut it, nor will anything too serious. And if you rent something overtly sexual, be prepared for two hours of extreme awkwardness.
It’s a veritable minefield, but we’re prepared to help you navigate through it. Perfect date movies should have something for both of you, with an attractive cast, romance, action, laughs, and maybe a tame sex scene. You can always cop out and go the safe route with something predictable (and atrocious) like You’ve Got Mail, but you’d be better off with one of these unique options. You’ll get high marks for originality and won’t have to put up with Meg Ryan. So sit back, snuggle up with your new girl and enjoy one of these top 10 unique date movies.
Number 10
Jerry Maguire - 1996
Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger
Back before he went completely insane, Tom Cruise was the biggest box-office star in Hollywood and the charisma and screen presence that allowed him to climb to this lofty position is on full display in this hybrid romantic comedy/sports movie. Directed by Cameron Crowe (Almost Famous, Singles), Jerry Maguire tells the tale of a ruthless sports agent who suffers a sudden change of heart and turns his back on the money-crazed industry.
3 reasons she’ll love it: Jerry Maguire has the three pillars of success as far as date movies are concerned: Pre-crazy Tom Cruise, it’s a love story in which the average-looking girl gets the “hot” guy and kid so cute you’ll want to punt him.
3 reasons you’ll love it: There’s great sports action, tons of fantastic cameos (from Glenn Fry to Troy Aikman) and a surprisingly hot sex scene with Kelly Preston (all date movies should be so blessed).
Number 9
The Apartment - 1960
Jack Lemmon, Shirley MacLaine
You can advance your career through hard work, long hours and ample ass-kissing. Or, if you are Bud Baxter (Lemmon) in this classic among 1960s date movies, you just let all the executives use your Manhattan apartment for their illicit trysts. That’s the premise of this long-forgotten comedy from legendary director Billy Wilder (Some Like It Hot). Things go along swimmingly for Bud until he falls for the mistress of his boss — which understandably makes things awkward.
3 reasons she’ll love it: The hilarious backward attitudes toward women will make her happy for today’s more progressive mindset, she’ll giggle at the style — handsome men in thin ties, and Shirley MacLaine’s ditzy, whorish character will make her feel morally superior.
3 reasons you’ll love it: Lemmon’s sad-sack, faceless corporate drone will let you look at your predicament and remember that it could always be worse. The Apartment provides a look at the good old days when cigarettes were smoked in your office and women were called “dames.” You’ll also earn major bonus points for introducing her to a hilarious silver-screen classic that helped shape the genre of date movies.
Number 8
Belle Epoque - 1992
Penelope Cruz, Miriam Díaz Aroca
Show off your cultured continental side and rent this 1994 Oscar-winner for Best Foreign Language Film. It tells the story of a Spanish soldier who deserts the army and ends up in a villa with an artist and his four serious hot Spanish daughters. Hmm, risk your life on the front lines or hang out with four farmer’s daughters? It’s sexy without being raunchy and funny without resorting to poop jokes — just as all date movies should be.
3 reasons she’ll love it: Your date will love the gorgeous Spanish scenery, the sensual sex scenes and the cute guys with even cuter accents.
3 reasons you’ll love it: It’s basically a two-hour cinematic version of the age-old farmer’s daughter fantasy, when your date takes a pee break you can freeze-frame nude scenes of Penelope Cruz, and of course, there’s Penelope Cruz.
Number 7
About a Boy - 2002
Hugh Grant, Rachel Weisz
For many women, dating is really just a job interview for prospective fathers. So, your girl will undoubtedly be watching how you judge Hugh Grant’s character in this pleasant little flick. He starts off as a lazy, womanizing boy-toy, but after becoming an unlikely and unwilling surrogate father to a bastard child in this date movie bloodbath, he turns into a model adult man.
3 reasons she’ll love it: For once she gets to witness a man who can be changed for the better, the female lead isn’t a size zero with porcelain skin, and the cute, awkward lead boy.
3 reasons you’ll love it: You’ll envy Hugh Grant’s bachelor pad, enjoy the soundtrack (performed exclusively by Badly Drawn Boy), and Rachel Weisz.
Number 6
Mr. & Mrs. Smith - 2005
Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie
Make-up sex is just about the best kind of sex you can have. So, imagine how good the sex is between Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s characters after they spend 20 minutes trying to kill each other. That sexual tension, combined with many more phenomenal action sequences, make this one of the best date movies to come along in a long time. With an A-plus cast comes huge expectations, but even with that burden, director Doug Liman (Swingers, Jumper) delivers.
3 reasons she’ll love it: Your date will love the spectacularly decorated suburban home, the rare and empowering presence of a hit woman and, as usual, Brad Pitt.
3 reasons you’ll love it: You’ll love the coolest weapon arsenal seen on the screen in some time, the amazing car chase (between BMWs and a minivan) and, as usual, Angelina Jolie.
Number 5
Say Anything - 1989
John Cusack, Ione Skye
Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) did more than just bag the hot popular rich chick while wearing a trench coat; he also gave hope to helpless nerds the world over. And this ’80s date-movie classic tells the tale of how he did just that. You can’t help but cheer for Dobler because not only is he the consummate underdog, he’s also a father figure to his little brother and boasts the coolest ghetto blaster in movie history. So, to see him win in the end will melt even the coldest heart.
3 reasons she’ll love it: No woman can resist the young and charming John Cusack. She’ll also like the endearing father/daughter relationship and the hilarious ‘80s fashion.
3 reasons you’ll love it: You’ll like the hot chicks wearing hilarious ‘80s fashion, the retro soundtrack and the sport of the future.
Number 4
Intolerable Cruelty - 2003
George Clooney, Catherine Zeta-Jones
Not all date movies have to come slathered in cheesy romance, especially when they star two of the hottest actors this side of 2000. George Clooney plays a hardened divorce lawyer who falls for a client (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and tries like mad to get in her legal briefs. It’s filled with cheating husbands and gold-digging ex-wives, which could make you ask why it belongs on this list. Well, aside from being one of the wittiest romantic comedies out there, it also captures the same flirtatious energy both you and your friend are hopefully feeling on your movie-watching date.
3 reasons she’ll love it: Obviously, she’ll like People magazine’s twice-named Sexiest Man Alive, George Clooney, a female character that can go toe-to-toe with the slimiest lawyers and con artists out there, and all the cheating men who get their comeuppance.
3 reasons you’ll love it: You’ll love it for the rare and dignified beauty of Catherine Zeta-Jones, the Coen Brothers’ eclectic style and an asthmatic contract killer.
Number 3
The Wedding Singer - 1998
Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore
Usually, lead singers of wedding bands are the kinds of guys you’d like to drag out behind the banquet hall and strangle with a microphone cord, but Adam Sandler’s Robbie is entertaining enough to avoid such a fate. He and a less-annoying-than-usual Drew Barrymore star in this charming romantic comedy and play star-crossed lovers who find themselves engaged to the wrong people. Sandler and Barrymore stick to the moral high ground and wait for the inevitable happy ending to begin their relationship.
3 reasons she’ll love it: She’ll revel in an unrivaled ‘80s soundtrack, be thankful her fingers will never get tangled in a mullet and laugh at the horrific bridesmaid dresses.
3 reasons you’ll love it: Guys will appreciate the realistic portrayal of life as a freshly dumped dude, like the hot girls (if you consider girls with feathered hair and neon sweatshirts hot), and love the fact that the movie ends after 95 minutes.
Number 2
Bull Durham - 1988
Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon
Sports movies usually make good date movies, thanks in part to their combination of action and romance. This baseball flick, however, adds some spicy sex and above-average dialogue to elevate it into the classic realm. Kevin Costner plays a career minor league catcher called on to mentor a dim yet talented prospect (Tim Robbins). Along the way, the two fight over the affections of Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon), a townie with a thing for ballplayers.
3 reasons she’ll love it: Your girl will like the liberal female lead who’ll make her feel empowered (which could make things very interesting if things get a bit frisky), the cute baseball players, and Kevin Costner’s list of the important things in life, which range from hanging curveballs to high fiber, and ends with an admiration of “long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”
3 reasons you’ll love it: You’ll chuckle at Nuke LaLoosh’s cliche-ridden interviews, but you’ll enjoy how the movie portrays life in the minor leagues, and the old-fashioned, dirt-on-your-uniform, pine-tar-in-your-hair baseball action.
Number 1
Hitch - 2005
Will Smith, Kevin James
There are life coaches, financial consultants, career counselors, and all other sorts of people willing to offer their services, but is there any help out there for a hapless dweeb with no clue about women? There is in this surprising rom-com, and it is in the form of a silky-smooth Will Smith who mentors Kevin James on the subtleties of dating in the new millennium. We mentioned that a good date movie should have laughs, and this film has a black book full of them.
3 reasons she’ll love it: She’ll like Will Smith doing his Will Smith thing, Kevin James’ attempt at dancing and the flick gives an inside look at the inner-workings of a man on the prowl.
3 reasons you’ll love it: You’ll like Eva Mendes, the truly valuable nuggets of dating advice from a master and Eva Mendes (no, that’s not a misprint).
date movie climax
How many first heavy-petting sessions have taken place on the couch with the soft flicker of a TV illuminating the groping couple as the DVD’s menu music plays in a continuous loop in the background? A movie at home is an ideal date — it’s simple, cheap and easily transferable to second base and beyond. It must be done correctly, however, and trying some of these 10 unique date movies will give you a fighting chance. The rest is up to you, stud.
Before opting for dinner and a movie, determine what “personality” your date should reflect. Are you a dance-’til-you-drop diva or poetry slam patron? Do you crave the finest martini or prefer to ponder trees falling in a forest? Whatever your dating style is, impress your special someone by choosing a unique dating spot.
Active. You have boundless energy and get bored with a lapse in conversation - you are the party. Extreme sports are your preference, and no doorman has ever kept you behind the velvet rope. Your perfect mate will go bungee-jumping by day and rave with you all night long. You don’t work for the man; you are the man. “No rules, no boundaries” is your mantra.
Quiet Intellectual. You prefer a good book to a loud club but thrive on a good, heated debate. Your perfect mate will discuss Sartre and socialism until the sun comes up and shares your admiration for Einstein and Warhol. When you watch TV, it’s either PBS or “Jeopardy!”. You prefer coffee to cocktails, and you kick ass at Scrabble. You know the best jazz clubs and independent bookstores. The unexamined life is not worth living.
Executive. You’re a busy corporate type who appreciates the finer things in life. The best restaurant’s maítre d’ knows you by name, you own a Chagall, and you have season tickets to both the ballet and your beloved basketball team. Your perfect A-type mate owns a Palm Pilot, has the perfect portfolio, works out as much as you do, and loves to share a bottle of fine wine with you after a long day at work. Greed is good.
Outdoors. Your four-wheel drive is never clean. Your dogs have been your roommates and best friends since you left school. You like to hike, bike and camp, and your backpack is perpetually packed. Your special someone prefers Birkenstocks and hiking boots and thinks sunscreen is for wimps. Beer, beans and barbecue is your ideal meal. Your timeshare is a pup tent.
How many times have you gone on what you thought was an amazing date only to find that the person never calls back or doesn’t seem interested when you try to book another date?
Dating can be awkward, and everyone makes mistakes. Of course, there are some instances in which the person you like doesn’t follow up and it has nothing to do with you (e.g,. an ex comes back into her life…don’t you love that?). But often it’s simple things we do (or don’t do) that prevent us from making a connection.
During the past few years, I’ve interviewed hundreds of daters and asked them what they were looking for, and it’s amazing to hear the same themes. Women have certainly complained to me about the biggest mistakes they feel that men make in dating, so I thought I’d share the secrets. (Don’t worry — I have plenty of material on the mistakes women make, but that’s for a future installment.)
Top Five Dating Mistakes That Men Make
1. Men Show Off or Try to Impress Too Much.
Don’t offer your resume, your earning potential, and tell us how you’ll change our lives the first time we meet you. Instead of talking about yourself the whole night, ask questions! Don’t come on too strong right away. Let us figure out if we want to be with you, instead of telling us we do.
2. Men Don’t Listen to Us When We’re Talking.
We notice if you stop listening to us, if you ask us questions we just answered, or if you keep interrupting us when we’re opening up. This drives most women nuts! Unless you’re on call, don’t check your Blackberry at dinner and don’t check out other women.
3. Men Aren’t Chivalrous.
The lines here are not always clear. We want you to treat us like equals, but we also want you to treat us like women. It’s nice when a man picks up the tab or makes sure his date gets home safely. It may be old-fashioned, but a number of women report that dating a gentleman matters.
4. Men Don’t Take Initiative.
Men, how many times have you caught yourself saying, “I don’t know” or “Whatever you’d like” when planning a date? If you’ve asked a woman out, a better approach is to give a few fun and creative date options and ask her to pick one.
Initiative doesn’t mean ordering for a woman at a restaurant or ordering a woman around! It does mean confidently approaching your date with ideas, passion and interest. It also means you can be flirty and forward, letting her know how amazing you think she looks or how much you want to kiss her.
5. Men Say They’ll Call and Then Don’t.
It’s no surprise that acting like you’re going to follow up when you’re not bothers most women (and never underestimate the way word travels about you not keeping your word!). Better to end a date by saying, “It was nice to meet you. Have a good night.” Don’t act like you’re going to follow up if you’re not. If you’ve gone out more than a few times, be honest that while you enjoy your date’s company, you don’t feel a romantic connection.
There are always exceptions, so I don’t believe there are absolute rights and wrongs in dating — but there are strategies. If you follow these simple steps, you’ll be ahead in the dating game. At least you’ll get an ‘A’ for effort.
She keeps glancing over
Are her eyes aimed at you every time you look her way? And does she avert her gaze whenever you catch her staring? Then you might have a live one here. If she doesn’t prolong the eye contact, then she’s probably shy and needs a little coaxing from you. Go up to her, introduce yourself, and get her talking.
Number 9
She smiles at you
The smile is the ultimate sign of openness and friendliness, provided it is genuine. Many people force a smile when trying to be polite, but they tend to be fairly obvious about it. If she shows her teeth and has that sparkle in her eye, then you can deduce that she’s enjoying your company. Your only job is to keep her smiling by smiling back.
Number 8
She goes out of her way to get you to notice her
If, on her way from point A to point B, she takes an unnecessary detour through point C (you), she might be trying to get your attention. For instance, if she walks by your table “on her way” to the washroom in a coffee shop, but your table is located at the opposite end of the restrooms, she is probably interested. Why else would she be taking the long way? If she smiles at you on her way, consider your job half done.
Number 7
She plays with her hair
Women’s hair is a source of power and confidence to them — why else would they get so devastated after a bad haircut? They tap into its power at key moments, subconsciously unleashing its seductive potential. If you see her twirling her finger through it or throwing it around, like in a shampoo commercial, then you have a potential flirt in your midst.
This goes for body language in general. Some women like exposing their necks, prepping their clothes, or placing their arms in front of them in a way that their biceps push their breasts together, augmenting their cleavage. Some magazines tell women to let their shoes dangle at their toes, displaying the curvature of their feet, which men, apparently, associate with their other curves. However, if she’s crossing her arms, it means she’s distancing herself. Be alert.
Number 6
She initiates the conversation
Taking the first step to initiate a connection with you is a huge sign that she’s interested. If she tells you something like “You remind me of someone I know,” which begs a response and subsequent conversation, that’s a concrete sign.
During the conversation, she may further convey her interest by asking you open-ended questions — watch out fellas, they’re starting to use our own weapons against us! She might also whisper “secrets” to you, bringing your faces close together, perhaps letting you get a good whiff of her perfume.
Number 5
She laughs at your jokes
When you relate a funny story, does she throw her head back in riotous laughter or does she just look at you and say, “Is that supposed to be funny?” A big part of flirting involves reactions to the partner, so if she acts captivated by your words, you’re in the green. Other reactions that convey approval include asking “really?”, “wow” and opening her mouth in amused disbelief.
Number 4
She asks if you like certain activities
Does she ask you about your hobbies? Is she being more specific, and asking you if you like a particular pastime? Although she is not actually asking you for a date, it’s an implied way of doing it. She could be leading up to asking you out or paving the ground for you to pop the question instead. If the activity in question is dancing, movies or dinner, then it is almost certain.
Number 3
She pays you a compliment
Women are sparse with compliments, so if she throws one your way, you can pat yourself on the back. This is especially good if it has to do with your physique, as this implies that she is attracted to you. Another way she may demonstrate her interest is by repeating your name, letting you know that you are memorable and establishing a closer, more intimate connection with her.
Number 2
She makes sexual comments
Some women like to put themselves in the mood by talking about things that turn them on. It brings out their frisky side. So if she steers the conversation to sexy topics, she could be trying to pull you into a flirting crescendo that might lead to a veritable verbal foreplay. Most times they will keep it understated and tasteful, so you should do the same. A crass slip-up is a sure-fire way to ruin the rapport.
Number 1
She touches you
When a woman breaks the contact barrier during a conversation, it is almost a sure sign that she’s interested. It can be as obvious as touching your arm or knee while making a point, or as faint as having her knees come into contact with yours under the table. But you must make sure that she makes the first skin convergence.
A less direct way is if she mirrors your body language, which is something women do subconsciously. When you lean in, she leans in. When you rest your elbows on the table, she does the same. Duplicating your actions is her way of showing you that she’s “in-synch” with you.
flirt freely
Since some of the above signals could just be gestures of friendliness on a woman’s part, you should count a minimum of four before you conclude that she is, indeed, flirting with you. If she commits five or more, your evening is set.
So now you know the theory, but recognizing her signals on the spot takes time, especially when they’re too subtle to be detected by the untrained eye. And though you should constantly be alert, don’t get yourself into a state of tense vigilance, where you’re looking for nothing else but the aforementioned signs. Keep cool, relax and enjoy yourself. In time, women’s flirtation techniques will become as clear as traffic signals.
miniXcapes is Colorado Springs premier events and social club for single professionals. An unqiue stylish twist to the normal dating scene. Our miniXcapes provides a chance to meet single professionals not just for dating, but for friendships, socializing, and fun.
We provide the place and time. All we ask of you is to show up! No matter your interest we have something for everyone. Whether its sporting events, social events, cultural events, adventures, or traveling. Our members are able to build life long friendships from our miniXcapes.
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